Category Archives: Dane Cook
No matter how many times we hear a Dane Cook joke, it is always funny. So, I searched around to look for some of the best jokes by Dane Cook, which people rarely see around. So, here we go!
We had Monopoly, everybody did. No one liked it. Even if you think you liked the game you didn’t. And it’s simple why, two and a half hours into a game this is all you’d hear… [boom] Fuck this game! It’s four in the morning grandma, you win! I’m sitting on Baltic with crack. I’m paying luxury tax up the ass! And I hate it when you’re the banker. Where did you get the pink fifties from your cheating whore. Don’t fucking touch me grandpa! Nana, is a cheating whore! I should cut your head off with the little doggie. We were so poor growing up, that little iron, we had to use that little iron. It’s not funny. Takes a long time to iron a shirt with that tiny little iron. Sss. Oww. Sss. Ooo hot.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn’t that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There’s puddles, waters all over the counter, it’s dripping it’s like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who’s running in the bathroom like “I gotta shit… I can’t shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don’t like being in a perfect square when I’m trying to shit!”
Yelling at the Drive-Thru
Why do people insist on yelling at the drive-thru? You know, it’s modern technology. I’d be there with my little headset, ‘Hi, welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?’ ‘GROBGROWGROBGBONEONIONONEFRY.’ ‘Excuse me, Chewbacca? I’m bleeding from the ears here, Pacino. Let’s calm down, alright? We’re dealing with food here, not missiles, governor. Now drive around!’
I’m a little sore ’cause a couple of days back I got into a car accident — not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault. ‘Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!’
What An Autobiography Really Is
I can’t relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I’m just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said ‘You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low’. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I’ll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.
- The Best of Dane Cook Stand-Up Comedy Videos (comedycook.wordpress.com)
- Dane Cook Criticized for Refusal to Live Stream Boston Benefit Act (thehollywoodgossip.com)
- ‘Lord Douche’: Dane Cook blocks broadcast of his set at Boston Strong charity concert (twitchy.com)
There are a ton of stand-up comedy videos that you can watch on the internet these days, but Dane Cook’s videos are just a lot funnier than others. I’m saying this because I’m a huge fan of this guy, which is why I decided to compile a few jokes of his and share them with people who are just getting to know him or want to have a good a time. So here we go, with the best of Dane Cook stand-up comedy videos.
Bensons Animal Farm
Bensons Animal Farm joke is the opening joke of Dane’s show in Madison Square Garden NY, right after he cracked everyone up by saying, “someone shit on the coats!” Not many would understand this joke, but there’s a history behind it. Anyway, without further ado, let’s enjoy the video Bensons Animal Farm.
Dane Cook fans might have watched this clip more than a dozen times already, but still it’s a great video to watch one more time. If you have never seen this joke, then it is about time someone opened your eyes to something extremely funny.
A Really Old Comedy Video of Dane Cook
I’m not really sure where this came from or where it was performed, but it is one of those videos where you can see Dane’s spikey hair, Polo T-shirt, and realize he’s really young, probably in his early 20’s and very energetic as always. The quality of his jokes is pretty basic, I mean he’s sticking to jokes instead of telling stories. All in all, it is one of the best comedy videos of him that you’ll ever come across. And if you find more of such videos of Dane Cook, then please do share them with me.
Jokes that you hear during Dane Cook’s live performances such as on Laugh Factory – are different from the ones you hear/read on his social networking pages such as Facebook and twitter. Often, you miss his jokes because your friend’s game posts spammed your news feed or you forget to check his page. Nothing to worry about because I’ve spent a lot of time to go through all of Dane Cook’s posts on Facebook and twitter to find you the very best of his jokes.
- Stalk like you’re in love! (This one you can related to what I said above)
- Pushing someone out of your life is rude. Better to draw them a specifically routed map entitled, “Away From Me In 5 Easy Steps Elsewhere.”
- LIKE this if you’ve ever gotten a boner on an airplane and pretended you grew a hazardous item that could bring this whole plane down. (This was shared on his Facebook page and there were more than 20,000 people who Liked the post. (Probably, not all of them would relate to this post, but just thought it was funny.)
- A cute girl that dresses super slutty is adwhorable. (lol – epic!)
- When you go to take a pic but it’s on selfie mode your face always looks like a bloated corpse that washed up on a river bank.
- Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person’s life, stay out of it.
- During the Superbowl blackout they played “Who’s in my Mouth?” (Really?)
- You know a dump is massive when you name it and then give a eulogy before you jettison it.
- Imagine a world with no haters. People endlessly fawning over each other. Encouragingly peachy remarks only. How awful. (True that!)
- This bus just discharged so much exhaust that when the smoke finally cleared a magician appeared.
- When I meet a girl that I like, my p***s dilates.
- The problem with dating a country singer is her daddy don’t reckon that fellers worth the pig spit on a convicts mud stuck shoe.
- If you love a girl show her by giving her a donkey hug.
- You know that moment when everything just feels right with the world & you know you’re on your path? THAT is when you’re f****d.
- Practice what you tweetch.
- It sucks when you are having young hot s*x & you randomly think of elderly people naked floating around a space station.
- Differences dating a white or black woman. A black woman calls you on your bs SAME DAY. A white woman STABS YOU 28 times as part of a 7 month resentment package.